Toxic Relationships - Own Your Truth

Perhaps the reason it's taken me so long to create a new blog post (and by that, I mean around three years!) is because there are so many things I would have liked to formulate, but just didn't know how to. To say that "now is the time," to talk about this would be incorrect. It's more that "now” is an opportunity. To let it go unsaid, I feel, is to discredit the feelings I have worked through, and still continue to work through. I always felt that these blogs were the perfect opportunity for me to discuss my thoughts in an open, non-judgemental space - a space I feel I have been denied in recent years. The crucial lessons that I have learnt, and the understanding I have gained along the way, is one thing that I attempt to sharpen in this piece, so that these words may serve as a reminder to myself that not only does my truth matter, but today, I was brave enough to share it.

There is now a much more thorough and in-depth understanding in regards to emotionally abusive relationships, and that includes relationships of all kinds. In recent years, emotional abuse within intimate or familial relationships has become illegal, and is even punishable by prison! But the subtleties of this type of abuse makes the reality much more bleak. A scar from physical abuse may cause someone to bleed, but emotional scars are simply unseen by others, apart from the person experiencing them, who is unable to see anything else. It consumes. It tears you apart. It leaves you with so many overwhelming thoughts, but often, one will override. "What did I do to deserve this?"

The answer is always, and unwaveringly, "Nothing." There are no exceptions. It took me many years to uphold this viewpoint. I spent so much time wondering if this was somehow a punishment for something I had or hadn't done, in my past or present. This is the goal of emotional abusers - forced reflection. They seek to turn the whole thing on you, and make you believe that you are the abuser. The difference is, an abuser KNOWS who they are. They know exactly who they are, because they calculate how to approach the situation, turning to manipulation in order to execute their goals. If you are questioning whether you might be the one in the wrong, constantly overthinking something you said or did, and are wracked with unexplainable guilt and remorse, then I can tell you. YOU ARE THE VICTIM. In comparison, emotional abusers have an extreme lack of moral consciousness. The only time they will appear remorseful is when they know that you have caught onto their behaviour, and even then, they only put on a facade. This will soon change when, once again, you have become accustomed to their abuse, and therein the cycle begins again.

This 'cycle' can never be broken by the abuser. They will never let go. It is up to those affected to stand up, say "No" and walk away. This can, and quite possibly will be, the hardest thing you will ever have to do, not least because they certainly won't make the separation easy on you. Now, onto my stories. Yes, plural. I think that was one of the hardest parts for me; thinking that with hindsight, shouldn't one experience have stopped me from making the same mistake? But it's not that simple, nor will it ever be. It's true that I am quite possibly more prepared now than I was five years ago to recognise warning signs of toxicity, but that doesn't make me suddenly immune to its grip. Every abuser is different, and therefore every abuse story is different, because, ultimately, different people are involved each time. I'd describe it as being somewhat like a veil that is lifted from a person's face. You see them, but that view is distorted. Once it is lifted, you can see them for who they are, and who they've always been. Perhaps the veil was put there by them, but it's just as plausible that it was put there by yourself. We often choose not to see what we can't or don't want to comprehend. To realise the full extent of a loved one's betrayal is stomach-churning. Both times, it left me feeling angry, sad, confused, and completely and utterly let down.

The first time was in 2019, from my mother's mother (my grandmother) and whilst the situation affected me indirectly, it affected me greatly nonetheless. Prior to the events, my grandmother was irrational, and at times, deceitful, but it's important to recall my statement on the 'veil.' This becomes especially true when it's a family member - it's not as if you could necessarily choose their presence in your life. It's just understood that they are there. But this is someone who I had shared good times with throughout my whole childhood - so naturally, a bond was formed. To sit here and remember those times is arguably harder than heeding the situation itself, because unfortunately, in some way, they will always be tainted now. This will always be different from somebody just "doing something wrong," with people forgiving and forgetting. It left familial relationships irrecoverable. Things were said to my mother that were simply unforgivable. This was someone who had forgotten what it is to be a mother, if she ever truly knew. She failed to employ the verb 'to mother,' which is to act with kindness, compassion, and love. Many were quick to judge my own mother's decision to cut contact. "But she's your mother." "She's family." "You'll regret it if you don't make amends." Family or no family - abuse is wrong. Again, there are no exceptions! I don't know whether there's a more old-fashioned argument that demands we show our parents respect, but there comes a time when to uphold this respect is to make a mockery of ourselves. I would now go as far as to say that to cut out a toxic family member, especially a parent, is admirable, for want of a better word. I think there was a consensus amongst those on the outside of the situation that what we’d done was just an easy throwaway. If I could, I would look them in the eye and tell them it was one of the hardest decisions we jointly HAD to make. That's also to say that I was not influenced in any way by my mother. It was a decision I made separately, and a decision I do not feel the need to justify to anyone. I do not regret the decision, and if I could go back and choose again, I would choose the same. I am, however, deeply regretful that other people around us got involved, as we consequently lost touch with them, when our decision should have been respected and left well alone. As a result of toxicity, I lost a great portion of happy memories that have since been tarnished, but what I consistently choose to hang onto is the belief that me and my mother did the right thing, regardless of the opinion of others.

My grandmother has since passed away. Closure. People speak of it often. I don’t know if the funeral did give me closure. What it certainly did is make me realise what a devastating position me and my mother had found ourselves in, through no fault of our own. There was only ever one person who could have turned it all around, but she never did. Naturally, as a human being, I think some part of me felt utterly sorry for her. Not because of what she’d said and done, which I could never forgive her for, but because she brought misery upon herself, with the lives of everyone around her being consequently affected. If anything, I vow never to let my misery affect others in such a tragic way. It seems I had lost my grandmother a long time before the funeral.

The one that perhaps affected me more directly was my former best friend. I miss them. I can say that now. Back in 2021, when our contact was severed, I was so angry. For a long time, that anger stopped me from feeling anything else towards them. It’s only now, with a clearer head, that I can confidently say that I think of them every day. Unfortunately, that’s what emotionally abusive people crave - your focus on them. I’ve certainly come a long way since the end of this friendship, but there are still times when I think to myself “If only they could see me now,” and “This is proof that I’m not the person you said I was.” Feelings which are understandable, but ones I still wish I could take away, as it no longer matters what they think. Me and my friend had something of a codependent relationship for many years, in which I took on the role of a ‘caretaker’ desperately seeking to help them in any way I could, often feeling their pain as my own, and dedicating weeks of my time to ‘fixing’ them. Even the most irrational person can tell you this is an inherently awful idea. But I was so wrapped up in the knowledge that they trusted me more than anyone else, and so it was up to me to make positive changes to their life. They enabled it, and in the process, I lost myself. Nevertheless, I have painted the relationship in such a bleak way, that it hasn’t allowed me to express the fun we shared together - the laughter, our ability to talk together on topics for hours on end, the thought of being completely understood and known by someone. But it began to burn. Slowly at first. Like tiny little flames. Until one day, this person said things to me that truly shocked me to my core. The ‘veil’ had been lifted once again. Only this time, I was begging it not to be true. I was reading the words they’d sent over and over again, like I was hallucinating. Because it couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be, could it? It was. I was being manipulated. I don’t know if they thought it would work because of how tightly intertwined our lives were then, or because it had worked before in much subtler forms. But, this time, I snapped. No one talks to me in that way and gets away with it. I had lost my best friend. An idealised fantasy in which I thought I could save someone had brought about irreparable damage. I was impossibly deep in a situation that I had no choice but to leave. A few weeks later, some of our final correspondence was them claiming I was a ‘manipulator’ and that I was ‘gaslighting’ them. This is something I was so panicked about following this, that I spent days questioning other people close to me about my identity, with them always reassuring me that I was a good person. I was unsure for a long time, always convincing myself that I had done something wrong. I hadn’t. I was only ever trying to help a friend, and whilst I could have prevented the codependency, it’s quite possible that I was in so deep that I didn’t know how. That day was like a switch had come on in my brain. It’s taken me many years to be at peace with myself, and remember that I only ever did what I thought was right, and I did not deserve to be treated like all my efforts counted for nothing.

For want of a more appropriate word, toxicity and emotional abuse are simply terrifying. It’s as if your head is buried underwater during the relationship, and then afterwards, you come up gasping for air. My best advice would be to surround yourself with people who love you, and people who will listen without judgement to whatever you need to say. Perhaps you don’t want to say anything at all, and that’s ok too. I don’t believe there’s a formula for recovering from emotional abuse. The best thing any of us can do is be kind to ourselves. It sounds cliche, but it’s likely that whilst being involved in this toxic relationship, we don't have as much opportunity to do that. So there’s a lot of self-healing to catch up on. Try not to let your past affect your future relationships, which, understandably, is easier said than done, but we owe it to ourselves to go forward with a clearer head, and understand that not everyone is out to hurt us.

I think I was in disbelief that I had been affected by emotional abuse twice, and kept thinking that I was the common denominator, so surely there is some issue within me. It really does leave you questioning your entire identity. These are people that know your weaknesses, and know exactly how to get under your skin. And they know exactly who they are. It’s said that people like this can’t be helped. In order for them to re-evaluate how they think, they have to want to be helped, and that is extremely unlikely. Some survivors believe that the abusers thought they were in the right. If they think they are in the right, how will they ever accept help? At times, I’ve wondered if both my grandmother and my friend executed their plans deliberately, as if they knew they would be cut off. As if something in them desired to be alone, and they knew this was the only way to achieve it. My friend knew I would never leave - I’d said as much. But something so cutting and visceral as the final words that I was left with - what choice did I have but to leave such a toxic relationship? Whether either situation was deliberate, or a product of their personalities, does it really matter? Is it really that important, or worthwhile to get inside their heads? Is it even healthy? I think I find it hard to trust people after everything that happened. I over-analyse people’s intentions, and whether they’re genuine, as all I can remember is a friendship that I thought was incredibly genuine, which later turned out to be such a massive scar on my heart. That will, unfortunately, stay with me forever. But, I can put it to good use. I can tell my story to others, as I’m doing now. I can use my words to heal, instead of to hurt. I can remember the hurt, but I can turn it into the loyalty and compassion with which I show those closest to me. I have an awareness of emotional abuse. I am a survivor of emotional abuse. I will take it as a blessing, and heed the signs. Don’t ever let them take away your truth.