Grief and Mental Health

As Thursday 10th October was World Mental Health Day, I thought it would be fitting to discuss the increasingly important topic of mental wellbeing in today's society. The definition and associations of the term 'Mental Health' has changed dramatically over the past ten years, meaning different things to different people. Mental health is broadly described as "functioning at a satisfactory level of emotional and behavioural adjustment." Depression, Anxiety, Phobias, Stress, Self-Harm, Paranoia, Bipolar disorder, Eating Problems; these can all affect the satisfactory level that we strive for. The list is endless, and grows bigger all the time. We are living in a world in which mental health problems are on the rise, and fortunately, our knowledge and understanding of them are too. There are many factors that can lead to mental health problems, of varying degrees of intensity. Social media and its impact has been the cause of many mental health problems in the young, and between 2009 and 2017, rates of depression among kids ages 14 to 17, increased by more than 60%. Whilst not all of these cases will have clear links to problems online, there is no denying the resounding impact that it has. Upbringing, Thought Processes, Chemical Imbalance, Experience; all of these things can impact mental health. Today I would like to discuss my own experiences with mental health, break down the taboo subject, and reassure everyone that they are not alone in whatever they are dealing with and going through.

I've always had difficulties with mental health, and for me, it's often catalysed by what's going on in my head, and not necessarily external experience. However, the external experience is definitely the starting point in how my thoughts start to take flight, as is the case with anyone. I've never been much of a positive thinker, and I generally focus on the fact that the glass is half empty, rather than half full. Its always unclear to me whether or not this mindset is installed in you from a young age, or whether or not it comes from experience. I would assume that it's most likely, the latter. In one of my first blog posts, I tampered with the idea that your thoughts are the cause of your downfall, and your healthy psychological functioning is always there within you. Inner peace and serenity was part of you since birth; it's not necessarily happiness, which is a misconception by many, but more of a feeling of balance and security. My thoughts are negative, and in their own sense, quite degrading. I can often make a bad situation worse by over-thinking, speculating, and analysing, in my head, possible outcomes and scenarios that will only ever exist internally. Due to this, I'm often emotionally drained, without much energy to think about what is happening now: right at this moment. Emotions are always a huge trouble for me. I feel every emotion at its maximum. If I'm sad, you can tell. If I'm happy, you can tell. I wear all my emotions on my face, which can be perceived as a good thing. It means that even if I wanted to shut myself off, and shut the world out, I couldn't, because those around me that care, would know that something wasn't right. I am extremely stubborn, but I'm learning, as I develop through my life, to let go a bit more. I never used to talk about what I was feeling, partly because I had convinced myself that nobody would understand, and partly so I could appear strong all the time. Nobody is strong all the time. Nobody is perfectly balanced, and as my father said when I was discussing this blog post with him "Perfection is something we are probably all subconsciously searching for in our lives...it doesn’t exist. What goes on in our minds is much more important than what’s going on around us. To find the perfect mind is my goal."

The perfect mind. An interesting idea. But what is a perfect mind? I think having a perfect mind is subjective. It's where you feel the most comfortable in yourself, and learn to look past the thoughts that accompany you through your lifetime. For some people though, this approach will never be enough. Some people are so encompassed and wracked by their thoughts that it leads to emotions of intense sadness and hopelessness. When you have depression, there are times where you can't see the way out. It's like you're looking for the smallest bit of light through the fog, but instead of pushing through the fog towards it, you can't even see that it's there. It often goes alongside symptoms of anxiety, as emotions and thoughts begin to build up to their maximum point of tolerance. I have been subject to anxiety attacks at various points in my teenage years. Nothing severe enough to diagnose me with either health conditions, but enough to see the damage that mental health can have, not only your demeanour, but your physical health too. During my final year of GCSE's, my anxiety would sometimes get to the point where I would have to take a day off school to recover. I suffered from burnout, in response to the stress that I inflicted upon myself, and the constant feelings of being utterly overwhelmed. Even after being told that I could seriously damage my health by getting to these levels of worrying, I was so wrapped up in my mind, that I didn't feel there was any way I could stop it, or any way out. I was wrong. I only know that now looking back.

When you're totally absorbed by your mind, it feels like you won't ever escape. In time, and through means of therapy and self-healing, you will. For the second half of this blog post, I would like to talk more specifically about the concept of grief, and how this can affect your overall wellbeing. Losing someone you love is heart breaking. It's like a part of you has been ripped out, and you don't believe you can learn to live and function without finding it. This year, our family have lost two cats. For anyone that hasn't lost a pet before, I can explain it as simply as this: losing a pet is just as difficult, and sometimes more difficult, than losing any person that you love. Both Salem and Rowan were members of our family, and always will be. They were not considered lesser than anyone that we are close to; they matched us stride by stride. Losing Salem was, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. He was my best friend. He was with me when times got rough. He was comfort in the coldest winter days and nights; he was home. After Salem's death, I learnt what it was like to grieve. At first, every little thing reminds you of them. Emblems, cat bowls on the floor, specific times of the day, where he would snuggle up next to me on the chair. Without him there, nothing felt right. The whole world felt subverted. I had an aching in my chest that was filled with a longing to have him back by my side, even though I knew that he had moved on to somewhere else; something better? Whilst I believe loosely in the stages of grief, I think they are different for everyone. Some people will experience sadness before anger, or bargaining before denial. Everyone heals differently. Soon, the negative memories of the death, and the parting, will be replaced by the beautiful memories of their life, and their impact in yours. Memories are special. Nearly seven months have passed, and I know that I am still dealing with the loss of Salem. I place no time limit on the loss of a soul who was so dear to me, and whose life will forever shed light on my own.

Last week, we lost our eight month old kitten, Rowan, who was hit and killed by a car on our road in the night. After not seeing her the previous night and the following morning, I went out to look for her the next day. I was utterly shaken when I saw her body under the car. I knew instantly that it was her, and the shock paralysed me. It was a horrible thing to have to see, and to deal with. I wasn't nearly as close to Rowan as I was to Salem, but the shock of such a young life being taken away in such a way, was devastating. We brought her in from outside, and later that day, took her to the vets in a request to have her cremated. We buried Salem, simply because it's what we felt was the best thing to do, but none of us wanted to bury Rowan in the position she was in. It felt wrong. When we get her ashes back, we plan to scatter them on Salem's grave, and perhaps keep some to have in a cremation necklace, as a memory that she was always part of this family. Rowan's death hit me hard. I've had a lot of personal issues to deal with this year, and her death tipped me right over the edge. The only comfort I've got from it, is the knowledge that the name Rowan means protection. After what we've all been through this year, it was almost as if she had to leave in order to protect us from anymore pain; a very special blessing, from a short, yet very special life.

We've all struggled this week. Sometimes the world doesn't seem fair, and when everything happens at once, it's hard to see the way out, but even I am surprised at my progress. I wouldn't say that I was particularly content prior to Rowan's death. I was struggling with my motivation at sixth form, struggling to adapt to all the changes that I have undergone, and struggling to feel any hope for the future. But if last week has taught me anything, it's made me reflect again on how precious and how short life really is. Whilst we are here, we owe it to ourselves to enjoy the time that we are blessed with, by doing whatever we enjoy, spending it with the people (and the animals) that we want to. I will never forget the last 12 months, in more ways than one. I've learnt, I've loved, I've lost; and yet I still have hope. Mental health is complex. The ways in which we deal with it are unique. One thing I'm extremely proud of this year, is the fact that I've actively reached out to people when I am in need of assistance. There is no weakness in that; they may not understand exactly how you're feeling, but one of the things that define us as human beings is our ability to empathise with those we love. Talk to your parents, talk to your friends, talk to anyone who is willing to listen, because they are the people you want to keep in your life; the people that will stick by you through every hurdle and every cloudy day. Once again, I would like to dedicate this blog post to my friends and family, who as always, have been my support system throughout this year, and have stood by me through it all. Thank you to Salem, who provided me with the motivation to carry on, to push through my exams, and to come out of the other side successful. And thank you to Rowan, who's memory has given me hope in the darkest of times. To finish, I would like to quote my father again, who seems to sum up most of my points in an effective and memorable way.

"What are any of us really searching for in life? Happiness, pleasure, peace? You'll only find them by living a life as full as you can, and only then, you may bump into them along the way. It's a long road with bumps, jams, downhill drops, but on that same road there is love, beauty, wonder, and everlasting joy."

Taken in January 2019